Foreigner's Travel Guide
to Texas:

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern stink-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get you shot. Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong).

16) Enjoy your visit.



To "The Stuff" Page


To Fat Pappy's Place