Foreigner's Travel Guide
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in
Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the
state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find
the following advice useful.
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at
the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken
fried steak. Let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby
Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas
it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you (read some
J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer than you.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H.
Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we
have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for
the US Senate.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly
humble.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the
humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of
the kitchen.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing
their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a
Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO
hot or contains no kidney beans.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern stink-holes
like Detroit,
Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are
saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell"
of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to
love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
recently.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am.
We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired grandmothers.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us
live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live
in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will
get you shot. Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be
here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol
off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really
belong).
16) Enjoy your visit.
to Texas:
To "The Stuff" Page
To Fat Pappy's Place